My daughters have been on my mind alot this week. I still can hardly believe our youngest is married, and the oldest is thirty. But this morning my thoughts have been about Jackie, the middle child. She's the one who always jokes about not having as many childhood pictures as her sisters do because she was the "middle child". Truth be told, I probably screwed up with her more than her sisters. And during one of the most difficult times in her life, I was more concerned with her behavior than her heart. But inspite of that, Jackie invites me into the deep places of her soul. There I see a picture of redeemption and restoration which drops me to my knees in thankfulness.

Thirty years ago, on a balmy evening just like tonight, I was feeling the beginning pangs of labor with our first child. I remember being terrified and yet eager to meet this one who had given me indigestion and rumbled around in my belly for nine months! Nothing, however, had prepared me for the first time I looked into her little face. Never before that day had I believed in "love at first sight." Thirty years later I'm still in awe that God has allowed me to be the mother of this amazing young woman. And "love at first sight" has deepened into love at every sight.





Happy Birthday my blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty, Kelly.

It is always a pleasant surprise when I receive a comment on a posting. My prayer from my first entry has been that anyone who stumbles onto my blog would know that my life changed in 1967 by knowing Jesus and that my journey continues on only because of Jesus. I still struggle every single day. But I am in great company. From Genesis to Revelation, God's Word gives us story after story of men and women who had such promise but blew it. God wasn't after perfection in them and he isn't in me. He wants my trust, love and obedience and he gives me the ability to do those things through the power of his own spirit - the Holy Spirit.

One year ago, I began this blog which I entitled, "Traveling A Long Time in the Same Direction". The thought behind the title was to encapsulate what my spiritual journey had been and what I hoped it would continue to be...following Christ. That hasn't changed. However, I think my title needs a subtitle, one that might read like this..."When God Takes You Off-Road".

Since my last entry, way back in November, I've been eating a lot of dust. That brings up a memory. A few years ago I was riding on the back of an all terrain vehicle with no shock absorbers over a ditch-filled, pot-holed, rocky parcel of land. I bounced around in the back of that truck like a golf ball in a tumble dryer. And that sucker kicked up so much dust I was cleaning it out my ears and nose for hours afterwards. That pretty accurately describes where my head and heart have been.

For those who think people follow Christ because it is the easy way out of life or that they just use God as a crutch, well, they don't know the Christ I follow. I would love to tell you that if you give your life to Christ it will be like a nice, smooth, newly paved road. It is anything but. However, even at my most desperate moments (I had one of those yesterday) I would not trade knowing Jesus for anything. I've a lot more to say on that but let me close with a poem that never fails to touch me...I wish I'd written it.

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge,

keeping track of the things I did wrong,

so as to know whether I merited heaven

or hell when I die.

He was out there sort of like a president

I recognized His picture when I saw it,

but I really didn't know Him.

But later on

when I met Christ,

it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride,

but it was a tandem bike,

and I noticed that Christ

was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was

that He suggested we change places,

but life has not been the same since.

When I was in control,

I knew the way.

It was rather boring,

but predictable...

It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead,

He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains

and through rocky places

at breakneck speeds,

it was all I could do to hang on!

Even though it looked like madness,

He said, "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked,
"Where are you taking me?"

He laughed and didn't answer,

and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot about my boring life

and entered into the adventure.

And when I'd say, "I'm scared,"

He'd lean back and touch my hand.

I did not trust Him, at first,

in control of my life.

I thought He'd wreck it;

but He knows bike secrets,

knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,

knows how to jump to clear high rocks,

knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal

in the strangest places,

and I'm beginning to enjoy the view

and the cool breeze on my face

with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,

He just smiles and says..."Pedal."

-author unknown

Chasing After the Wind

Shopping has never give me much of a thrill. In order to do it at all I have to be fortified by a good breakfast, have on comfortable shoes and have a written promise from whomever I go with that we are not going to lazily stroll through the mall, we will not be looking in every store, we will be out in an hour and we will conclude our time with lunch. But every now and then I grudgingly give in to one of our daughter's who has lovingly invited me to meet her at the mall for some girl time. The girls know the drill...move fast, keep Mom hydrated and fed, and know when it's time to leave!

"Why", you might ask, do I have such an aversion to a treasured national past-time? Let me explain... there really is a point to my ramblings!

We live in a day and age where we are being encouraged daily to re-invent ourselves. We're challenged by every possible source to evolve, try new things, be a new person, do whatever it takes to be happy and fresh.

There are certain realities that are guaranteed regardless of how hard we fight against them. For instance, growing older is a given. You have absolutely no choice in growing older. However, grappling with the changes of aging while trying to enjoy where you are and spending your time wisely is a variable. You do have a choice as to how you will travel through those realities.

Battling against the inevitable is an exhausting, unsatisfying, frustrating, never won fight. It’s like chasing the wind. We understand the uselessness of chasing the wind, sort of. But if someone writes a book called, How I Chased the Wind and Caught It, we will probably line up with all the other chasers and buy that sucker with the hopes that maybe the wind is worth chasing.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m a chaser. Always have been, always will be. My parents were chasers, their parents were chasers, and down the line... If we go to the beginning of mankind, we know that Adam and Eve were chasers too. I’ve chased after tons of things hoping there would be enough satisfaction and substance to them, that once found, would sustain me. I won’t bore you with a list of the various things I’ve subscribed to throughout my life anticipating they would bring me joy and fulfillment. However, being a chaser isn’t all bad. It’s what you pursue that makes the difference.

Paul says in Hebrews 12:1, “…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross…consider him…so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

God wants us to chase after him. But, unlike chasing the wind, the Bible promises that God loves those who love him and those who seek him will find him. He's definitely worth the chase.

Have you noticed the map locator on the sidebar? It's one of those widgets, (I'm beginning to speak a little blog!), that you can add to your blogsite that indicates where your readers are located. It is the coolest thing ever...the wonders of modern technology, I love it.

While the dot gives an approximate location of where you are it doesn't say anything about who you are. It's just a dot on a map. But the truth is you are much more than a dot. You've got a story and those little red circles have roused my curiosity.

I've always been curious about people, much to the embarrassment of my family! I was one of those kids who wasn't satisfied with being seen and not heard. Not much has changed in that regard. When my children were younger they used to cringe whenever we rode an elevator knowing that the chances were really high I would end up talking to anyone unfortunate enough to ride with us!

People are facinating, complex and downright surprising. And I think, for the most part, folks are desirous of being known. Why do you think blogging has become such a phenomenon? Blogging has become our opportunity to tell our story...the story of where we came from, where we are, where we're going, what we think, and what we believe.

So, fellow dots, what's your story?

I'm giddy today! Giddy over the change in my blog! Giddy because I actually changed something without having to breathe into a paper bag afterwards!

Huge thanks to Jennisa and Angela for providing a service for those of us that are blog-challenged. Want to spice up your boring blog? Go to http://www.jennisajoy.blogspot.com/.

Outside of peanut flavored M&M's, I've never been much of a candy person. Candy is not the place I go to when I am stressed, bored, lonely, or sad. I go to other things that are equally as toxic as a bag full of candy. However, I eat enough to know that I like my M&M's pea nutty and a little sweet. Not too nutty and not too sweet. Perfectly in the middle of both flavors. Every now and then I venture out of my M&M zone and go for something tart. Can you guess how I like tart candy? Yup, tart, but not too tart. Sheesh, I'm so predictable!

All this candy talk has me thinking about that phrase that's often used to describe something difficult and then juxtaposed with something good. You've used it before..."Saying goodbye was bittersweet". Well today, that well worn pairing of words accurately expresses my heart.

Last night, a young woman from our church, Lee Ann, was killed as she cycled with several folks. (You can read about Lee Ann and her amazing testimony at http://www.thebigride.org/) Looking at it today, every single part of this tragedy feels bitter, with the "sweet" part of her death yet to be revealed by the Lord. I am praying that her husband and son will know that sooner than later.

I was not one of the fortunate ones who knew Lee Ann well. Those that did are certainly struggling with the bitterness of her seemingly senseless death. But even from my place, I am deeply saddened and taste bitterness.

Now travel with me to the other end of the spectrum of this day to the "sweet" place God allowed me to visit. Six other women and I met this morning to pray corporately, followed by two hours of private prayer. Talk about sweet. Perfect sweetness.

God spoke to me from the Gospel of Matthew, from Psalm 119, from Isaiah, through my praying friends and as I poured out my heart to him while journaling. Here's just a taste of what he fed me with today...

"When Jesus arrived in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, 'What are people saying about who the Son of Man is?' They replied, 'Some think he is John the Baptizer, some say Elijah, some Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.'
He pressed them, 'And how about you? Who do you say I am?' Simon Peter said, 'You're the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the Living God.' Jesus came back, 'God bless you Simon...And now I am going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock.' " (Matthew 16:13-18 -The Message)

That got me to wondering what name Jesus uses when referring to me. Who am I really? I have a name, I just don't know what it is yet!

Next he took me to Isaiah where he spoke about Israel and said, "But I'll take the hand of those who don't know the way, who can't see where they're going. I'll be a personal guide to them, directing them through unknown country. I'll be right there to show them what roads to take, make sure they don't fall into the ditch. These are the things I'll be doing for them - sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute."

God spoke directly to my unsettled heart leaving me with a sweet taste in my mouth, and a further desire to "taste,eat and see that the Lord is good."

Sometimes my heart cannot keep up with what I see and hear. But when I go to my Lord he steadies me as he places my feet on the solid rock, Jesus.

I've been a very, very bad blogger. Seems I've had blogger's block. Seriously though, God has been stirring things within me and as he stirs I am awed in to silence. For me to be silent requires me to be still...two things I am not very adept at. However, I believe that being still is putting me in a position to not just hear from God but really listen to God. Interestingly, when Abraham, Moses, David, Peter and Paul (just to name a few) were still and silent before God, he moved them spiritually and physically.

I've written before how much I cringe at even the thought of change. Here's a recent illustration of that. A few weeks ago, we rearranged the furniture in our guest room. Not only that, we had the room painted a color we have never used in any of our rooms before. I had nightmares for several days afterwards! But now I go up there and sit in the newness of it and wonder why we didn't do it sooner! Just by moving a few sticks of furniture and getting rid of some useless pieces the room has been refreshed.

So, I wait, in silent stillness anticipating that God will show me what needs to go and what needs to be rearranged.

Upstairs, on the desk in my office was a DVD loaded with pictures of my Dad. It had been in the same spot for weeks, sitting there beckoning to me. I did just what I used to do as a little girl when my parents would call me away from playing...I ignored it. Somehow in the arranging and re-arranging of the stacks on my desk it kept resurfacing. So much for my avoidance strategy. It just seemed too soon and I knew it would hurt to see Dad's face. But one afternoon last week, the braver part of me grabbed the disc and slipped it into the DVD player.

Guess what? It did hurt. I cried like Dad had just died that day. But it was a good hurt. I'd been avoiding the potential strength of a hurt that might crush me. Instead, I was surprised with a hurt that relieved me. How strange is that? I believe what I experienced was an outpouring of God's grace. Grace that promises to be sufficient and timely.

I'm tucking that moment away in my mind. I might need to pull it out someday when I am wondering if God really cares.

Recently, I received this email from a friend. ""You haven't been blogging." Point taken!

I'm still easing in from being away for two months and processing some rather significant changes in my life. Aren't those excellent excuses? Honestly, I am not sure how to begin again. Hmm, guess I just did...

Perhaps, since my dad is still on my mind so often, a few words he wrote years ago might get the ball rolling...

Smile...Laugh...Roar
"You smile when you think of something funny. You laugh when you hear something funny. And you roar when you are a part of the fun.

A smile changes a part of your face. A laugh changes all of the face, and a roar moves the entire body!

Smile lines are soft and gentle around the mouth...laugh lines are more pronounced and around the eyes causing what are called "laughing eyes". Roaring lines are all over the body...this is how aerobics started.

Smiling is an art form...there are thin smiles...fat smiles...short smiles...long smiles...toothy smiles...tonsil smiles. There there is the happy smile as in, "let a smile be your umbrella". Then there are sad smiles as in, "smile though your heart is breaking". There is the haunting smile of Mona Lisa and the most precious of all...a baby's first smile.

A beautiful smile is a great money maker...ask any dentist. Any doctor will tell you that a smile will relax the facial muscles unless it is a fixed smile which can become frightening!

Smile awhile...grin and bear it...laugh a little and share it."

Sigmund J. Was

I hope these thoughts bring a smile to your face. They do to mine each and every time I read them.

This is the first time in weeks that I have had the chance to do any blogging. Between my Dad's passing, leaving for a previously planned sabbatical several days later, and the lack of internet access, there has been no sign of life from me. My heart is still beating some days with more gusto than others.

I have been astounded with God's mercy, grace and the intricate way his plans for my life have unfolded these past 24 days. God knew that the days of my Dad's life were numbered and that on June 26th Dad left this life for life eternal with the Lord. At the same time, nine months ago as we were planning our two month sabbatical, God planned it so that Dad's death and our leaving would dovetail perfectly.

The thought of leaving Dad, knowing how close to death he was, was excruciating. I didn't know how I was going to get on the plane. But the creator of the universe had been weaving a plan unknown to me. To be quite frank, I was about to explode worrying about Dad, trying to get things in order legally if he was to pass while we were away, and get us ready for our trip. Never before in my life have I experienced such a severe physical reaction to stress as I did toward the end of June. Amazingly, the day after Dad's service, which was wonderful, all that stress just fell off. God once again bathing me in his grace.

There is so much more to write about but the time constraints of using an Internet cafe where they charge by the minute, prohibit me from writing more. However, I must conclude with this...things are changing in me. I can sense the movement of the Spirit of God in a fresh way.

Please pray for us as we travel (we are in Scotland) and for Jimmy and I to dive deeper and deeper in our times with the Lord.

Yesterday, at 9:11 a.m., my sweet Dad went to be with the Lord. I think that after Dad saw Jesus face to face and fell on his knees in worship, he said, "So, where are we going for dinner!"

God's timing has been amazing in these last few weeks. There are so many ways He answered our prayers. This morning in my quiet time I read in I Peter (from The Message) that I should "drink deeply the kindness of God". I am.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us. We are experiencing the sufficiency of God's grace.

Dad just one year ago. Kind, funny, quirky, deaf (!), engaging, peaceful and generous.

Today, on the way to see my Dad at the nursing home and meet with Hospice, I realized that I have been holding my breath for nearly three months. Not literally of course but emotionally. Watching my Dad go inch by inch has put me on high alert, dreading the call informing us that he has passed away.

I love my Dad fiercely, but I am not the one who has numbered his days. However, my actions seem to indicate that I think I have. Sadly, I've been here before.

About nine years ago, when one of our daughters was going through a difficult time, I turned into a well trained watch dog. Nothing was going to get past me. My hyper-vigilance turned me into a woman that I no longer recognized. And since God wasn't moving quickly enough for me, I thought I needed to take his place. How kind I was to give him some time off from being omniscient and omnipresent.

I did a wonderful job playing God. I became bitter, cold, distant, angry...a dead woman walking. And oddly enough, things didn't get better they got significantly worse. Seriously worse. Fortunately, I didn't get what I deserved...God's wrath. Instead, he poured, no he flooded me with his grace. And while I wanted to run from him, I couldn't shake him! It took two years before I let myself be carried away with his grace. Two years...

So, here I am again. Ever the watch dog. Except it has taken me much less time to figure out I can't sustain this and I am not supposed to.

The pace of our lives these past few weeks has kept me away from blogging...several other things have also fallen by the wayside.

The word for the month of June has been "change". Our youngest daughter went from being a college student to a quasi employed worker. Our two other daughters and their families are also facing lots of change. Our best friends for 31 years have moved many miles away. My Dad's health is rapidly declining. Once a vibrant, engaging man, he is now less than 90 pounds. A man who doesn't eat, rarely drinks and is talking less and less each day...changing radically right before our eyes.

Have I mentioned that I hate change? I can barely move a stick of furniture without feeling faint! And yet, this is right where God has me...looking at lots of loose threads wondering what sort of tapestry God is weaving. I must admit to you that my emotions are bouncing around like a ping pong ball. You see, I want to see the end of some of these stories. I am not comfortable with mystery. How many of you are like me? You know the type that has to finish a book, even if it's lousy, just to see how it ends. The type that gets a little crazy when there is absolutely nothing you can do?

Recently, while reading the Gospel of Matthew in The Message, I came upon a most interesting phrase. Jesus is speaking to His disciples and tells them that He can heal them of their "inner torment". I'm hanging on to that...some days just barely.

Several weeks ago I asked for prayer for Christie Smith, a young woman who was thrown from a horse and suffered brain trauma injury. I am thrilled to let you know that Christie is making wonderful progress. She has many months of rehab ahead of her but God is doing miraculous things for her. If you would like to read about Christie's journey go to:

www.caringbridge.com

At the site, type in christiesmith and it will take you to her site. Please continue to pray for Christie and her parents, Paul and Taffney.

In my March 18th post, I mentioned some of the good news - bad news that had been happening either in our lives or in those that we love. My friend, Lou, who had a recurrence of cancer several months ago, is having an important scan next week and I am asking you to join me in praying for her.

Five minutes in Lou's presence and you would be struck with her elegant carriage, her ready, beautiful smile and her tender heart. I met Lou at Bible study and was immediately bowled over with her enthusiasm to know Christ better. She's one of those women who is smart and lovely - a lethal combination! She fiercely loves her family and is concerned about the toll of this recurrence on them. So, pray for them as well.

Over the years, I have been privileged to meet lots of different people. Some have come through the doors of the church my husband pastors, others in Bible studies, some from our neighborhood, or through our kids and even in the check out line at Harris Teeter. Each of them has been brought in to my life for some reason whether I know them for ten seconds, ten minutes or ten years. I want to see them...really see them. It only takes a minute for me to look in someone's eyes and allow them to see Jesus shining out of mine. What a wonderful way to spend my time.

Just in case you were wondering...our granddaughter, Caroline Gray, is now two weeks old and doing well! (Thanks for asking Lacey!) She is such a little mush...I can't stop kissing her sweet little cheeks. Ware is getting the hang of having a little sister! Today he actually kissed and hugged her without prompting. Of course, no one knows what he whispered in her ear! Maybe something like, "Okay, it looks like you're here to stay...just don't mess with my toys"!

Seriously, this being a grandmother is better than I could have ever imagined. All the fun and none of the stress. Hindsight gives me the luxury of knowing that Ware and Caroline Gray will talk, walk, become potty trained before high school, sleep through the night, dress themselves and some day understand who Jesus is and how important it is to have a relationship with Him. And the best thing is that at this season in their lives the Lord has allowed us to live close enough to have a front row seat as they reach each milestone. For these days we are so thankful.

Speaking of being thankful...our youngest daughter, Graylyn, is graduating from college this Saturday. We are incredibly proud and anxious to see what path God has set before her. During the past few weeks she has gone through a difficult situation with dignity and integrity. We can see such growth and maturity in her. Again, for these days we are so thankful.

In Max Lucado's book, God Came Near, he says that his prayer for his book is that "the Divine Surgeon will use it as a delicate surgical tool to restore sight. That blurriness will be focused and darkness dispersed. That the Christ will emerge from a wavy figure walking out of a desert mirage to become the touchable face of a best friend." That is my prayer for this blog. If you don't know Christ, my prayer is that you will. And if you do know Him that you will want to know Him better.

It is a thrilling experience to hear how people go from blindness to sight. A changed life speaks volumes. Our stories of coming to Christ are really Him coming after us. So periodically, I will share the stories of those who were once lost but have been found...who were once blind but now can see. The first will be from Sally - a lovely, gentle, tenderhearted woman who is deeply in love with her Savior.

Sally's story...
"My testimony - I feel like I should be standing in court and that you, the jury is going to judge my statement. In court, the verdict strives to seek out the truth. In my case, the story rests on the truth.

The fact is for 38 years I never knew what the truth was. I thought I did. I grew up in a Christian family in the north, attended an Episcopalian church with Bishop Spong as head of the Diocese in our area and with Gene, the newly ordained gay Bishop as my youth leader. It was a liberal place. However, my Grandmother and my parents were very active in the church and taught me to work hard, live right, and that "to whom much is given, much is expected". I had memorized the Apostle's and Nicene Creeds. And I remember watching Billy Graham on my parent's black and white TV and feeling closest to God at that time.

In college I thought I had it all figured out. Sally's Christianity. I loved God. I knew how to live a life that would probably please Him. Don't lie or cheat, be nice to everyone, give to the needy, give of yourself when possible and say grace and your bedtime prayers. I did all right at following most rules. I would have never made it to the Pharisee level, but I would have wanted to be friends with them. However, where was I in Sunday School when they taught Ephesians 2:8-9, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God - not by works, so that no man can boast"?

For the first eights years of my marriage, we were really too busy to go to church with moving several times from coast to coast, working and having babies. However, when we were moving to the South and settling down, I knew the right thing to do was to join a church. As a matter of fact, we joined a church before we even moved just to enroll our kids in the right preschool program! We were all set.

God, despite me ignoring Him, blessed me incredibly! In one of Beth Moore's studies I remember her saying that sometimes the hardest time to draw near to God is when things are going well. That was me! Blessed beyond words with three little boys, a husband who adored me, supportive and loving parents, financial security, good health and many nice friends. It was as if God was saying to me..."Do you have enough yet to make you happy?" I didn't! I had such emptiness in my heart and I had no idea why.

In 1966, my husband was working two full time jobs and traveling a lot. God choreographed this so well...Don was home and took care of our boys so I could go by myself to the Billy Graham Crusade. My husband then had to go out of town, which left me alone to sort through all the thoughts Rev. Graham had churned up. That Friday night I listened to Michael W. Smith on a CD loaned to me because he was singing the next night at the teen crusade. I had to go back and bring my boys. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks as I listened to him sing - "I walked the road, with holes in my hands and feet...to make a way...come follow me. I am waiting for you." Now that was personal!

I was beginning to get it. Before that weekend I can honestly say that I remember thinking, "I know why we pray to God, the Creator, but why is Jesus just as important"?

My heart emptied out that evening as I asked for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit moved in after I had kept Him out for so long. I can say that now but who was the Holy Spirit anyway? I was just figuring out who Jesus really was! I just knew it felt so right.

The next night was magical. I brought our boys 11, 9, and 5 to the teen crusade in the pouring rain. Michael W. Smith did sing and when Billy Graham stood up to speak, the crowd hushed and the rain stopped! God was so present. I was so aware of the audience. I suddenly saw Christ in people. It felt good. I got it!

For the first time, I realized that Christ had died for me. That He was MY hero and MY savior! I no longer wanted to do good because I was supposed to, but because I longed to please God - to thank Him in some small way for all He did for me.

Sunday morning came and I knew I couldn't go back to my church. I knew that God was telling me to go somewhere else. I found a church meeting in a gym with no hymnals, people in jeans, and a young minister who spoke from his heart with such passion for Christ.

By God's grace, a new history began for me and my family. My life has changed. My friends and priorities have shifted. For ten years I have never again felt that hole in my heart. Sadness, fear, and anxiety, yes...but at least I know where to turn and where I am headed.

My prayer for my future comes from another Michael W. Smith song that goes like this...
"If they were to write a book about the stories of my life they would have to mention you with every page they'd write. Always love me, never leave me.." Amen